sickside

2006-09-16T07:45:00.000-07:00

well, no word from him. i was able to obtain a photo taken two days after release. he's not looking so hot. i'd venture to say that he has paroled strung out. which can be a good thing with drug testing being a parole condition. BUT, my experiences through work also tell me that a dirty test does not always mean a violation. anyways...........no news is good news i suppose.

i have to dig out the restraining order and take it to my local police department from what i hear. that ought to be fun. i will be wearing long sleeves on that adventure.

otherwise life is okay. it's funny how this whole situation creeps to the mind with everything i do. anytime i go to the store, im thinking "am i going to run into him?" when i take smoke breaks at work i'm scoping out the parking lot and the corners at the intersection. i'm looking to see if there's people sitting in cars across the street. i refuse to answer a number i don't recognize on my cell phone (a message left on my phone is a violation according to parole) and the front desk is instructed to send any callers that they don't recognize straight to voice mail.

speaking of work, looks as if the "rebel" can move up too. in talking to main boss about her hiring a management position, i got the "have you ever thought about management?" question. which was ended with "because i was told that you wouldnt be interested" HMMMMMM.

i told her i would always be interested in bettering myself , but i figured since i was so "rebellious" that i wouldnt be considered. YES I DID!!!!!!

she says she likes the rebel, and doesnt want "clones" hello! young lady with only 6 months on the job: YOU ARE A CLONE BITCH> haha.

anyways, so the ending to this tale is that i am now training to be the "lead counselor" a small promotion where i still get to see clients, but will have other duties as well. nice. moving up without snitching, kissing ass or making the clients hate me. THAT'S RIGHT.

so thanks for asking, im okay. still a little on edge, not letting my guard down, but trying not to make myself a prisoner.

2006-09-02T07:54:00.000-07:00

well the motherfuckin parole officer called me back.

jist of conversation:

if you are so worried about this, why didnt you move away? you knew he would be paroled to this area.

2006-08-30T07:00:00.000-07:00

so i've done it again. let all kinds of time pass.

i've had alot on my mind and it's been a little rough. i wondered to myself about writing about this and decided that maybe it would be healing in a way. next tuesday my ex-husband gets out of prison.

he's been gone for 6 years. he is there for domestic violence.

it's been a wonderful 6 years of growing, and learning and being my own person. actually finding out just who i am because for a long time i didnt know anymore. the drugs i did were only a temporary reprieve from the nightmare i was living. i never knew what was gonna happen next. i never knew where we were going to live next. i had very little control over anything and when i did if it wasnt right it was my fault usually when it was just circumstances beyond anyone's control.

i had tried several times to leave - i went to family, battered women's shelters, friends ect. he always found us and convinced me somehow (either by force or charm) that i couldnt make it on my own. well guess what???? not only have i made it on my own but i have a better life than i've ever had.

i remember sharing in a meeting once that i felt like everything i have worked so hard for will be taken from me when he gets out. i divorced him a few years ago. it took a while because of the cost. i got hate mail back for that one.

this is my children's father. my daughter (nearly 17) says that she doesnt want to see him. maybe that's what she says now. maybe she means it. she would have been called as a witness by the DA if i had allowed it. in return for her not having to get on the stand at 10 years old i agreed to a deal. he was originally looking at 49 years. the deal was for 6. he maxed it out which had he been on better behavior would have had him released nearly a year ago. so much for rehabilitation. i told her to just let me know if she wants to see or talk to him and not try to do it behind my back because she thinks i won't allow it or be angry with her. im not afraid of him hurting her physically, i'm afraid of him making her hate me. he's very manipulative and that was always one of his weapons besides physical force. the children.

my son was 7 at the time. he doesnt have the same memories my daughter and i have of him. but he also doesnt give a shit about people he doesnt know. that's the attitude he's taking now "i don't care" so at this point i really don't know where he stands. it's almost like that fucken elephant in the living room. i just want to SCREAM. i want to lock up the house like a fortress (he doesnt know the address but it will only be a matter of time.) i want to sleep with a gun. i want him to live far far away. i dont want to go through this.

i have been talking to a parole officer who is very nice. we thought that he would be his parole officer. turns out he wont be and now the one it is going to be is at a whole other location and not answering any of my calls. i have alot of concerns and will keep trying. i've tried to call the supervisor as well. i will keep trying.

anyway, that's what is running through my head 24/7 . finding it hard to think of anything else. i've lived looking over my shoulder before and im not looking forward to it again.

i find that every plan i want to make and everything i do i am thinking of what HE could do. my roommate and i were planning a trip to reno at the end of the month. im not even sure whether to go and leave the house alone. we're talking about having someone stay here at the house with the kids. its only a overnite trip and normally they would be fine alone. but now everything is changing.

everything is changing.

2006-08-27T09:17:00.000-07:00

2006-08-07T08:37:00.000-07:00

i have had a bad bad case of writers block.

soooo for lack of anything but what's happening lately in my life, here goes.....

i'm really starting to not like where i work. this does mean i don't like my job. i love my job. it's the only thing that keeps me going to work. i hate the office politics and i hate all the fucken focus on "agency policy" policy shmolicy. shit. Then they go and ask the "been there 6 months" employee if she thought she would ever have an interest in management. they created a monster because now it appears that her goal in life is to prove just how much she is management material.

back off bitch.

get up off me and how i deal with my clients. my shit is straight but i don't do it in such a way that the clients hate me. this has brought me the reputation that i am "rebellious" (imagine that) and it is reflected in my clients.

why? because they don't pee their pants whenever the management has to have anything to do with them? because they as questions about new rules (or rules that exist but never got enforced)? i don't know. talked to some other counselors that have worked at different places and they said that it pretty much happened to them too. manangement does not like it if the clients actually like you. WTF? crazy.

the refrigerator fiasco was all a false alarm. tech comes out to house to check out my IT'S NOT WORKING refrigerator.

kids call me and he tells me that it's fine. the temp is what it should be. BUT BUT. no, miss it's working fine. OK. so do i owe you anthing for coming out? no not for today but if you call me out again for a refrigerator that's working fine, im gonna charge you. yes sir, sorry sir. haha

went to a funeral in vegas this weekend. straight turn around. left at 6 am. back by 7 pm. death just brings out the ugly in people. this young man (26 years old, car accident) had his stuff all arranged. insurance policy in place to pay for the funeral and buriel that he wanted. his mother decides that she wants him cremated because it's cheaper and she will have the money left over. so sad. caused alot of anger and whatnot within the family. the father (who is my friend) refused to sign the paperwork because i guess you have to have 2 signatures for cremation. dude got buried in the casket like he wanted.

otherwise things are alrite. life is good today.

2006-07-26T06:52:00.000-07:00

i guess it's no big news that its hotter than fuck. we have no AC at our house. we did buy a portable AC that barely takes the edge off but these days i'd rather be at work.

to top off our misery the refrigerator broke. yucky yuck. i love refrigerators when i don't have to deal with them except opening the door to take something out. i hate cleaning them, i really hate the smell when it's not working right. there's just a grossness that comes along with them that is like no other.

so...we go buy a used one from the local "trading post" . IT'S not working right either! freezer is barely working and the bottom part is not getting cold. this is a complete nightmare. this is no ordinary trading post though. i guess a "technician" will be out today between 3 and 6 to hopefully (fingers crossed) FIX it.

2006-07-14T06:58:00.000-07:00

seven years clean today. not always sure about the serene part, but always striving for it.

2006-07-13T07:59:00.000-07:00

I come to you, so silent in the night
So stealthy, so animal quiet
Ill be your savior, steadfast and true
Ill come to your emotional rescue
Ill come to your emotional rescue

~stones~

let me tell you a little about the members of the opposite sex in my life that get me all twisted emotionally.

J.A. - i met him on august 13 2004. he was in treatment. i was at a meeting. i saw him from behind and *knew* i had to have him. i got him. he was in a place that didnt allow phone calls or talking to the opposite sex in the first few months. so we wrote. i heard some stuff about him that didnt sit well with me (like a wife and 4 kids) so i shut that down. kept tabs on him and when he got out he didnt go home to the "wife and 4 kids" he went to his friend's house M.S. and had a job, ect. ect. so i decided to try to get back in touch with him. found him. by the time i found him he was in jail on a violation. i visited regularly and we made all the plans that "soul mates" make. he got out and we had a few months together. it was pretty sucky beings that he lived like 45 miles away which might as well be a million in LA with traffic and all. then i started having to talk to his voice mail more than him. then i found out after ugly anxiety - suspicions and all that that the "wife" was sick and he had to take care of her and blah blah blah. fuck you motherfucker. "homegirl" MY ASS. turns out she's not his wife, but whatever. so with my heart stomped on and torn to bits i continued on with my friendship with M.S.

current reason my emotions are twisted: J.A. went back to jail last summer. got in touch with me. "wife" is in another state - stuck there because they had gone on the run and she can't find her way back home. anyway - so he got in touch with me from jail and we write and all that and i love him and he loves me. HA! jailhouse drag. he's talking about future plans. DONT GET ME WRONG. i am NOT participating in the future plan crap but in all honesty my heart still jumps a little when i look in the mailbox and there's a letter from him.

M.S. - when J.A. moved the "wife" on in to M.S.'s tiny apartment, me and M.S. decided that he would come and live with me. so there were nights he stayed with me at the apt. he never actually moved in but he paid all the bills. anyway, so we ended up taking our friendship to another level. anyway, so we made all these plans as well. we were gonna get a house blah blah blah. this is all very uncomfortable at times because he is still half living at his apartment and J.A. is his "best friend" then once again i started having to talk to voicemail again. turns out he has met some broad and the final outcome is that they live together in the apartment.

current reason my emotions are twisted: i still talk to him and every once in a while we get together as in together. i try to convince myself that im really okay with all that, but i know deep down i have more feelings involved than he does. but we are really good friends as well, and i know if i needed him he would be there, and vice versa.

now lets get to the sick part: J.A. and M.S. are no longer friends. they had a serious falling out. J.A. knows i still talk with M.S. but does not know we get together sometimes. M.S. has no idea that i am in touch with J.A. and i dont' tell him because i think he would be upset and not talk to me anymore. yeah.

talk about your tangled webs.

to be continued................

2006-07-11T10:27:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my life, tattoo

We've a long time together, me and you

I expect I'll regret you

But the skin graft man won't get you

You'll be there when I die

Tattoo

~the who~

2006-07-04T10:01:00.000-07:00

She gives me her cheek

when I want her lips

but I don't have the strength to go

On the lost side of town

in a dark apartment

we gave up trying so long ago

On the stairs I smoke acigarette alone

Mexican kids are shootin'fireworks below

Hey baby, it's the Fourth of July

What ever happened Iapologize

so dry your tears and babywalk outside, it's the Fourth of July

~X~

yeah, fourth of july. no plans here. too damn hot man. it's been pure hell around these parts. we have no AC in our house. we bought portable swamp coolers which make it half way bearable, better than before but not COOL.

ended up in a bar the other day just to escape the heat. they were kind enough to make me a pot of strong ass coffee and my roommate and i played about 6 games of pool. he was kind enough to not let me win. actually i won twice, he scratched on the break and scratched on trying to sink the eight ball. but it wasnt too bad, i never had more than two balls on the table at the end.

had an interesting week. went to court one day to observe the sentencing of my friend. i arrived and sat there for 3 1/2 hours watching people either get sentenced to prop 36 or to prison. they did not call him in the morning session and the traffic home would not allow me to stay for the afternoon because i had to be to work at 4. i wish i could of been there. but he will know i tried. i went and saw him the week before and we discussed that the victims family would be there and they were going to say something to him and he was going to respond. he said "sorry sounds so fucking lame" i'm not sure if they were there. i tried to figure out if anyone sitting in court might have been them, but i really doubt it. they all seemed to be there for other reasons. i hope to find out how it went. second degree murder committed while under the influence of meth

last nite, my roommate and i and another friend drove over a hundred miles last nite so that they could help out another friend. apparently he was flipping out and causing all kinds of chaos at his house involving knives and setting shit on fire in the front yard. this behavior fueled by meth.

it all went well without incident and they brought him back to our friends house who lives nearby. (i didnt go with them, i stayed and watched tv) and he was supposed to go to detox this morning. we called around 9 and he was still at our other friends and didnt go for some reason. everyone was still asleep and we didnt get the reason why.

the detox he was going to is the one i last went to. damn near 7 years ago. 7 years ago on the fourth of july i was planning a burglery of a shoe store with my then boyfriend and our road dog.

on the 6th of july i checked myself into that detox. within 24 hours i was in the worst kick of my life, cold turkey. on the 13 of july i rode a greyhound bus back to los angeles and got some pills. i hadnt slept since the 5th. my clean date ended up being the 14th but i last stuck a needle in my arm the morning of the 6th. we never did go thru with that robbery.

i also got a letter this week from a client of mine who ended up going back to prison. he is paroling soon and would like some direction on maybe going into a program when he gets out. that was cool. he also thanked me for inspiration and showing him that he can recover. i will write back to him and hope that whatever information i can give him will help. reason he went back to prison: meth

it's been an interesting week, that's for sure. along with the normal chaos that is just my life.

2006-06-26T07:53:00.000-07:00

So I bought a .44 magnum it was solid steel cast

And in the blessed name of Elvis well I just let it blast

'Til my TV lay in pieces there at my feet

And they busted me for disturbin' the almighty peace

Judge said "What you got in your defense son?"

"Fifty-seven channels and nothin' on"

I can see by your eyes friend you're just about gone

Fifty-seven channels and nothin' on...

bruce springsteen

although there are some aspects of television that disgust me, i am partial to a couple of shows.

one being deadwood .

perhaps it is the vulgarity.

another is the closer .

i think that has everything to do with kyra sedgwick.

i also enjoy the shield .

i think mackey is damn sexy.

as far as network television, i have little use for that except for

prison break and new episodes of any law and order and any CSI.

i also enjoy documentaries alot. especially about crime and punishment.

such as lock-up

when i want to lighten shit up a bit i really like the episodes on VH1 where they hit all the different years like i love the 90's .

what i cannot stand are comedies with laugh tracks. that NOISE is like fingernails down a chalkboard to me.

i also hate reality shows (sorry trish) but i cannot stand them. and they are getting downright ridiculous with topics .

2006-06-18T10:19:00.000-07:00

I caught you knockin at my cellar door

I love you, baby, can I have some more

Ooh, ooh, the damage done.

I hit the city and I lost my band

I watched the needle take another man

Gone, gone, the damage done.

I sing the song because I love the man

I know that some of you dont understand

Milk-blood to keep from running out.

Ive seen the needle and the damage done

A little part of it in everyone

But every junkies like a settin sun.

WHERE'S WALDO?

waldo is dead. overdose. found in his truck. was there for 3 days or so.

fuck.

we werent that that close. but i knew him, i'd been to his house. he'd been to my house. i'd broken bread with him. he just could not stay clean.

we'd had a falling out a few years ago. there were alot of fuck you's back and forth and so on. i have learned that one of the most valuable tools of my recovery has been forgiveness. i cannot carry stupid shit around. so the last few times i have seen him i have been nice. i saw him a few weeks ago at a picnic. we spoke - it was good. the last interaction we had was us smiling at eachother as i walked away. i am so glad for that.

when my friend called to tell me, i said that i was so glad that i was nice to him the last time i saw him. my friend said good, cause alot of people werent. there's a weird thing about people that get clean. all of a sudden people who arent or cant get clean are bad? i get irritated. like for example some chick was sharing about her nephew or someone who was still using and causing all kinds of drama in their family and she was like all mad and shit. so i shared that it's amazing how people get clean and then get all SHOCKED AND APPALLED when the still using addicts in their life act like ADDICTS. shit. HELLO? that was you once! remember? never ever forget where you came from. it's not a good thing.

anyways so alot of people were ever so self righteously DOWN on him. all that is required to be a member of any 12 step fellowship is a desire to change your behavior. we are not to judge, we are to have compassion and tolerance. fuck them. it could of been them. it could of been me.

anyways.

rest in peace waldo.

2006-06-16T17:52:00.000-07:00

No more indo, gin and juice

I'm on my way to Chino, rollin on the grey goose

Shackled from head to toe

25 with an izzl, with nowhere to gizzo,

I know them niggaz from the other side recognize my face

i went to see my friend yesterday at the county jail. he is in "high power" this is 23 hours a day in your cell, never out unless you are handcuffed. when i go to see him he is in a separate cage.

he was just found guilty of 2nd degree murder. he will be sentenced on the 29th. 15 to life is what he says he will probably get. it is the "L" the life that means anything at all, and basically what it means is that he is never getting out. ever.

he never denied that he did it, kind of hard with it all on film and everything. a security camera in a fast food parking lot. his trial was all about whether it would be the death penalty or gang enhanced. death penalty speaks for itself. gang enhancement would have meant 25 to life and that life would have been in the SHU . now he has a 50/50 chance of being able to walk the yard.

the killing had to do with him against like 7 people. i don't know the details as during the trial he could not talk about it, and yesterday? well, whats the point, i'm not going to waste the precious 15 to 20 minutes talking about a done deal. basically it came down to drugs and alcohol. i met him when he was clean, working on two years. he relapsed. this crime was committed after being up for 6 or 7 days and under the influence of alcohol.

they tried really hard to give him the gang enhancement. they even used one of our conversations during a visit in the trial (as in MY VOICE being played for the jury) our conversation included the word "homeboy" hence the "gang related" conversation. that's just too weird for words. im lucky i didnt get called as a witness for the prosecution.

it was a bittersweet visit. he has been fighting his case for two years now. his kids mom is out there using meth, and the grandparents who have the kids wont have any contact with him. he has no-one anymore. i havent even really been there for him like i could have. the jail is not that far, but i hadnt been there in a few months. we wrote now and then, but knowing that it would take him nearly 30 days to even get the letter kinda bummed me out on writing. but he never complains, has never asked me to put money on his books and still calls me his punk rock princess.

anyways, it was good to see him and im sorry for this but he knows - he asks for no sympathy or like i said, he doesnt deny it. he attributes it to the alcohol and drugs and wishes that he would of just stayed clean.

2006-06-06T08:28:00.000-07:00

GO AHEAD. LIE TO ME.

Tell me again how you're tortured

I wanna know how you followed your orders so well

You're full of SHIT

You had a dream but this ain't it.

If You're 555 then I'm 666.

If you're 555 I'm 666.

okay, so i am just a little freaked out right now. i found all kinds of cool 666/number of the beast pictures to front this post with. NOT one would upload. only this one. thought it was blogger, but none of them would post on myspace either. very strange (cue twilight zone music)

anyways so it is here. i went outside. the world is still here for those who thought it was the END.

as a child i had a true crying myself to sleep fear of "coming of the beast" my father who left my mom before i was born and who i had never met all of a sudden "got the lord" and decided that he wanted to meet me and form a relationship. i was 12. well he was one of those "holy roller types" speaking in tongues, laying hands type christians. he educated me well on the end of times, preparing me by advising that when they are going to CUT OFF MY HEAD FOR BEING A CHRISTIAN i should try to put my head down face first so that when the blade hits, it will sever my spinal cord first therefore i will feel no pain.

THANKS A FUCKING LOT DAD.

i was often told that it "wouldnt happen in my lifetime" by other more sensitive adults. BUT that it would probably happen "in my childrens lifetime" GREAT.

sometimes i wonder if it hasnt all already happened and this is hell already.

2006-06-01T08:20:00.000-07:00

i've been tagged by black dog with "one of those chain type things where you list some of your deepest secrets about yourself" as he put it so very well. so here goes.........

1. i am deathly afraid of potato bugs . once when i lived out in the country in the middle of a corn field i had one stalking me. it was in my trailer and i somehow caught it in a big glass jar and took it waaaayyyy out to the fence and let it go and that motherfucker turned around and started RUNNING at me. shit you not, i ran from that thing.

2. i do not like left hand turns without a signal. even at a signal i will wait until the people behind me are cussing me out and honking. getting t-boned is not my idea of fun. if there happens to be a situation where there is no signal and it would require me to make a left hand turn on a busy street i will make a right and go the long way around. drives my kids nuts.

3. i have a dental fetish. braces, retainers, gapped teeth, missing teeth, chipped teeth. turns me on. yep. don't like rotton teeth or dentures though. apparently i am not alone.

4. i do not carry a purse or any other kind of bag. i carry a wallet (just like that one minus the chain) in my back right hand pocket. i only carry a few things with me and therefore always require loose fitting pants with front pockets and back pockets. cigarettes, lighter (if i havent lost it), keys and cell phone. i have considered getting a backpack but i cant find one that doesnt hang funny if you don't have some sort of notebook or large book in it. everything gathers at the bottom and the top is all caved in and that bothers me. so until i find what i am looking for in that department (i'll know it when i see it) i will continue on with the wallet thing.

5. my mothers ashes are in my sons bedroom. i can remember my phone number when i was a kid. but damn if i can remember the date of my moms death. we just really didnt get along very well. i do know it was in march. i have 2 photographs of my mother. i put the old one when she was like 20 in a frame a few years ago as sort of an amends thing. then the glass broke and it sits in a drawer now. one day i'll get another frame.

6. approved workmen are not ashamed. AWANA. i was very involved as a young girl. won awards and everything. i was very involved in the babtist church believe it or not. was quite conflicted when i discovered CIRCUS magazine and developed an obsession for KISS and other "satanically influenced rock and roll." cause dont you know:

The Baptists don't dance

And the Catholics won't Rock 'n' Roll

The Lutherans just chant

Church of Christ just says "oh-no"

Can't be heaven bound

If your body rolls around

Don't you know?

It costs your soul.

guess i'm hellbound.

so now i tag:

well shit, this could go on forever. how about everybody on my roll??????

2006-05-25T19:54:00.000-07:00

The Doctor comes and feels your pulse,

She frowns and shakes her head.

She says, "You need some medicine,And then it's off to bed!"

She tells you that you need to rest,Or you'll be very sick.

But if you do just as she says,You'll get well pretty quick!

You may not have an appetite,Your throat or tummy's sore,

But when you're feeling better,You'll get sweets and treats galore!

The Doctor says to feed you thingsLike jello and ice cream...

"Hey, Mom, I could get used to this,The menu is a dream!"

i am sick. not my normal everyday sick. but like sick. yucky sick. it started out earlier as a headache. a freakin goddamn head pounding can't move fast headache.

at work.

so then im like okay and go around and finally scrounge some motrin from someone. it takes the edge off. i finish all of my duties. and it's coming around afternoon when my individuals are gonna show up (BEEP, kim? your 3:00 is here.......BEEP, kim? your 4:00 is here and so it goes until 7 when we have group.) so before all that begins i take my lunch. turkey bacon melt from farmer boys. then, that horrible awful nausea kicks in.

i am also seeing spots. call my supervisor, she says you have a migraine. i said no, i don't get migraines, as im grabbing the wall because i'm seeing spots and ready to hurl right at her feet at that very moment.

you are going home. but but i have this and this. you're going home. and your not driving. so my boss (yeah yeah the one i talked shit about) drives me home. (that's way better by the way, we talked and i got to tell her that she really is pissing me off and she tells me she may file for a divorce so our circling each other and snarling has ended and we are friends again)

she asks for my roommates number just in case. then she CALLS him. im taking kimberly home, she is sick. if she gets worse take her to the hospital. he rushes home. GOOD LORD IT'S ONLY A MIGRAINE? OR IS IT. i don't get migraines.

he goes and buys me some ARIZONA southern style sweet tea cause that's the only thing i want and exedrine migraine medicine. headaches gone. nausea is still here. little pit of pain in my gut also. but i think i will live.

thank god for sick pay.

2006-05-23T08:06:00.000-07:00

Stop me if you've heard this one before:

A man walks into a bar and leaves before his ashes hit the floor.

Stop me if I ever get that far.

The sun's a desperate star that burns like every single one before.

And I could find another dream,one that keeps me warm and clean

but I ain't dreamin' anymore, I'm waking up.

So I'll take two of what you're having and I'll take everything you got

to kill this goddamn lonely, goddamn lonely love.

love, relationships, a "boyfriend", and "old man" whatthefuckever. i totally give up on having any kind anything pertaining to that. since i've been gone, i have had my heart pulled out - ripped to shreds - and stomped on right before my very eyes. of course it could be my taste in men.

i kicked the last guy to the curb last thanksgiving. yep. getthefuckout. i knew what was coming. the same old shit. fuckin pussy motherfuckers. i swear they LIKE prison or something. and that's exactly where he is now. back in prison.

i know it's not their fault. i think i can save one of them. i've finally realized that I CANT. i can't save em, and i can't keep letting myself get in these situations. so i've cut my losses and have decided that i LIKE being single. it's actually quite peaceful. they say when you stop looking is when the right one will come along. WRONG. i must be putting out the "single and loving it vibe" cause i don't seem to be in any immediate danger of catching someones eye.

my roommate and i laugh at everyone. just because we live together everyone just assumed we were together. and we let them assume. this is of course his friends because my friends know better, i am going for a record here. a year without a relationship. doesnt seem to be a difficult task. and im cool with it, i really am.

i will get into the destruction of my heart and hope later, it's a sad and sick tale.

2006-05-18T10:44:00.000-07:00

why did the blonde snort a line of sweet n low????

because she thought it was diet coke

jokes do not normally make me laugh out loud. this one did.

2006-05-15T08:39:00.000-07:00

My superstars were laced up tight

And all the sinners were gathered in white

The pearly gates were opened up wide

And the Lord must have seen me with his big red eyes

So I stepped out to the clouds

The holy father was getting down

And as I ordered a round of drinks

He said I got a little story tell me what you think

Moses used to sniff the lines

Noah used to rock the boat sometimes

Mary used to get undone

Jesus rode a Harley Davidson

please please please don't let it start again.

okay, so we moved into a house right? pretty conservative neighborhood. lawn mowed ect...and in our city if you can imagine this - you have to PAY to park on the street !!! you must have a permit to park on the street between the hours of 2am and 4am for more than 30 minutes. if you are a "resident" with a "qualifying need" you can apply for a permit that you can pay for, or you can purchase temporary permits for $2.50 a night for up to 3 nights. you'd think the damn streets would be paved with gold with all the money they have to be making. but guess who pays???? not people in my new neighborhood. homeowners. people with money. (not that i am one of those people, i just got a damn good lucky break)

anyway my rants are just getting all over the place here. the people who pay are the people who live in apartments! they don't have a driveway that they can park multiple cars in. most apts assign you one parking place. SO those families who have 2 cars. one of them is paying to park on the street.

so the point of all that is is that there are never any cars parked on our street. which means there is just a clear view of everyone's house.

well yesterday we had a car towed to our house. honda. needs a carburetor. well i guess the THREE houses across the street were having a slow day. because i shit you not - the people from all THREE houses found it necessary to come outside and observe our actions.

maybe it was how everyone looked? yes i live with bikers, yes i am quite tattooed. the guys had long hair and tattoos too. but we werent being loud, we were quick about our business. when you got 5 guys taking a car off a trailer it's not that big of a deal. so then i just went back inside. my roommate comes in and says you want to see something funny? i come outside. one of the houses has a few people standing in the driveway talking to another neighbor. they are literally POINTING at our house!!!!!!! talking amongst themselves. we just laughed, but that yucky ohmygod feeling went thru me. i just left the neighbor from HELL. am i going to have neighborS from HELL now?

is it just me or is that just rude? i mean fuck, just because we might look a little different means that common manners don't apply? just because we look different means that (and i just found this out) when we come outside you MAKE YOUR CHILDREN GO IN THE HOUSE? this is our directly next door neighbor!

i just don't get it. we work, we're quiet, we mow our lawn, we pay our rent, my kids go to school. WHAT THE FUCK?

2006-05-12T07:49:00.000-07:00

"It's the cool of the evening, the sun's goin' down

I wanna hold you in my arms,

I wanna push you around

I wanna break your bottle and spill out all your charms

Come on baby, let's set off all the burglar alarms."

tom waits

so im driving this morning and i have the indy station on because it's the only damn station that doesnt have TALK radio on besides jackFM. i wasnt in the mood for cyndi lauper or some shit that jack plays. they have a thing for 80's music in the morning. anyways. so this song is on and it's giving me that OH MY GOD I HAVE TO HAVE THIS SONG feeling in my gut. it's tom waits "hang on st. christopher"

hang on st. christopher on the passenger side

open it up tonight the devil can ride

hang on st. christopher now don't let me go

get to me reno got to bring it in low

put my baby on the flat car

got to burn down the caboose

get 'em all jacked up on whiskey

then we'll turn the mad dog loose

whiskey and the devil. i wonder what the attraction is for me.? so, i come home, look up the lyrics and find it is mr. tom waits. heard the name alot. but i believe i had him mixed up with somebody else? some one hit wonder from the 80s maybe? shit maybe it's him and i wrote him off cause i didnt like that particular song. so i've been sampling some of his music and there's stuff i like and stuff i don't. some of his gravelly voice stuff isnt doing it for me. but st christopher is the shit !!!!

things have been sorta hectic. i got a new boss who used to be my partner in the prop thirty six dept. there are 3 of us. there are still 3 of us, i am just the only one left from the original 3. so, this chick was in some sort of lead position. kind of a name only thing that they had given her because she had been there so long. BUT, now she is the real deal......my boss. and let me tell you, she is taking to the head pretty bad. all of a sudden all the "policies" that were not being enforced are being enforced now, and we are talking important shit like the clients not being able to wear hats in the building or tank tops in the summer - getting SLAMMED down as law and you better follow it because it is what it is. good lord.

im all for policy - don't get me wrong (keeps me out of trouble alot. haha) but i truly believe its all in how it is presented. i don't think that easing into it would have been a bad idea. maybe like 1 rule a week or something. i dunno. i just know it got the clientele all riled up and they had the audacity to question it and i got yelled at and told that "my little darlings arent so darling" geez. we're talking straight dope fiends, convicts, gang members and your occasional speedfreak housewife here. no one said they were darling, but i give them BIG PROPS for showing up, giving clean drug tests ect..... so enough of that rant, it's just kinda sucky going thru this power trip transition with her. im just hoping that she eases up a little.

otherwise things arent so bad, they are actually pretty damn good. can't complain too much.

2006-05-03T16:05:00.000-07:00

Visions of my life flash before me

Remembering, then thinking,

realizing the world has only fucked me over

And the pain mounts

It builds up, it builds up inside,

oh yeah (It's time)

I'm a time bomb ticking motherfucker

A ticking time bomb motherfucker

welp, this is a first for me. got sent home from work because someone called in a bomb threat. they don't like the way we run the place. YIKES. and the sheriffs department cared so much they didnt even bother to get out of the fucking car. they said we should open back up for business because it's probably just a crank call. HELLO???? i have to really wonder about that logic and if it's even legal for him to make that assumption. no fucking wonder shit like 9/11 can go down without a hitch eh? so my boss (who seems to give a shit) closed the place down for the rest of the day. there's gonna be some freaked out people who are coming to drug test and do their court ordered groups and whatnot.

beings that we do often give judges reports that literally can send people to prison, cause them to not get their children back from the system, or lose their chances of getting their drivers license back i'm suprised it doesnt happen more often. but what they don't understand is that THEY WRITE THEIR OWN REPORT. all we do is report what they do or what they DONT do. there's no way one of us could have a grudge against someone and give false information. documentation has to be proven. there are sign in sheets for every activity. if they sign in they were there. the drug tests are always sent to the lab if the instant test comes back dirty for conformation if they decide to dispute it. they are so protected, so it comes down to if they do what they are supposed to do, they will be recognized for it. if they don't, they will be held responsible for it.

THANKS FOR THE DAY OFF FOOL.

2006-04-30T21:58:00.000-07:00

Two all beef patties, special sauce,
lettuce, cheese, pickles,
onions on a sesame seed bun

does anyone else have issues with drive thru people? it has gotten to the point where my kids don't even want to go thru the drive thru with me because i get so irritated. im not sure when my relationship with drive thru people took a turn for the worst, but i do know it's bad. it started out with just that one jack in the box. i knew the people were working there were hopped up on something, and every time i went thru there i would never cease to be amazed at the lack of training? lack of an ability to care? there does not seem to be a such a thing as customer service anymore. im not quite sure what it was but it was never a have a nice day maam pleasant type experience. i really drove away there many times wondering what jack would think.

well it seems that they have quite possibly called all of their friends who work fast food at every joint in this town and let them know that i will be there and make sure that you make her wait a really long time, get her order wrong and try in every possible way to irritate her, because i cannot get a good drive thru going anywhere! my biggest bitch about the whole thing. drive up and 1.5 seconds later they are asking what you want to order. i have seriously had to practice with my nice voice "can you give me just a minute please." my kids are constantly coming to their defense and i have to say the kids have helped me alot with my patience in this small but for some reason very important matter to me.

2006-04-24T10:53:00.000-07:00

I'm on a mission

I've got no decision

Like a cripple running the rat race

Wish in one hand, shit in the other

And see which one gets filled first

I'm on a roll, No self control

I'm blowing off steam with methamphetamine

Don't know what I want

That's all that I've got

And I'm picking scabs off my face

methamphetamine. i would say that 99.9% of my clients are there because of meth. it's very very sad. i have one girl, i think she's about 21 and for some reason they are still assessing her as eligible for outpatient. this poor girl has scabs all over her legs, and her face (that she cakes on the makeup to try to cover up) i just took it straight to the judge and discharged her in hopes that they will finally send her to a inpatient facility. she needs more help than outpatient can give her.

my job is good though. i no longer work for the women's recovery home, i now work for an organization that provide outpatient services. i am a proposition 36 counselor in which our dear sweet governor is trying to cut the budget for. i don't think they'll completely get rid of it, but we offer different levels of treatment according to how the client is assessed in severity of their addiction. and i suspect that a level 3 client who receives 9 hours of treatment a week may receive less or something of that sort. either way, with the epidemic of methamphetamine they need to keep something going.

my own recovery is good. i will have 7 years clean in july, and i dont think i am in any immediate danger of relapse.

2006-04-23T08:05:00.000-07:00

SPOOKIM

I know a girl her name is kim

It says online that she is my friend

But she never helped me move a couch It's stuff like which really counts

She's known of me for quite awhile

I ponder where she keeps

I wonder if she feels my haunt when walking nightly streets

Maybe she's a bit scared cuz I'm a fucking creep

She could be having nightmares and trouble with her sleep

I'm scaring Spooky Kim

Cuz I'm a spooky fuck

So this is how the story goes it hasn't reached it's end

I don't think I'll have to murder this dear friend

After all she is quite a saucy spooky girl

So hey there Ms SpooKim, Welcome to my underworld

I guess I really spook em'

I can really Spook Kim

Cuz I'm a spooky fuck!

Music and Lyrics by Johnny Spew Performed by Wrecktal Spew Copyright 2006

some sweet boy (pictured above) from fresno wrote a song about me. HAHAHA actually he is writing a song about every girl on his friends list on myspace. interesting stuff.

went to the tattoo convention last nite and had my sleeve worked on and i must say it is looking mighty fine. will post pictures when i find my camera in one of these damn boxes that i havent unpacked yet. but it's coming together nicely. 2 hours straight BRUTAL. especially the elbow.

2006-04-20T06:23:00.000-07:00

Our house is a very, very, very fine house

With two cats in the yard

Life used to be so hard

Now everything is easy

life hasnt become all peaches and cream but it is alot better. for one thing the kids and i have moved into a HOUSE. we are out of that ghetto ass apartment away from that sick ass psycho neighbor. this just happened 2 weeks ago. things never got any better at the apartment, she still campaigned endlessly to have me kicked out. somehow the landlord grew some balls and never did OR he just couldnt resist that cold hard cash that i paid on time every month on time for rent. the neighbors would hold their rent hostage if they needed something fixed in their apartment. not only did i always pay my rent but i never asked him to fix a damn thing. i would just fix it myself.

so anyways, we live in this house now, we have 2 roommates (guys) who are very very cool. the kids have their own rooms, there is a fireplace, a front and backyard, 2 car garage (which is full of harleys but thats cool) the whole damn thing is just cool. we are still sorta living out of boxes but it's coming together nicely. very cozy. and i sleep soooo good here. i swear at the apt. i would sleep with one eye open. just stuff in the building itself, plus the little neighborhood has gotten a little bad with the gangbangers that moved in a few buildings down. they have claimed it as their "street" and literally stop people (other young men mostly) and tell them "this is our street"...... miss me with all that lame. i am so out of there.

2006-04-17T18:45:00.000-07:00

Home, home again.

I like to be here when I can.

When I come home cold and tired

It's good to warm my bones beside the fire.

Far away across the field The tolling of the iron bell

Calls the faithful to their knees

To hear the softly spoken magic spells.

yes, yes, it's good to be back. i was talking with a friend on yahoo who gave me a link to another friends blog, and it hit me right there. I HAVE TO FIGURE OUT A WAY TO GET BACK. well, technology certainly helped that. not 10 minutes later here i was. found my blogrolling and everything ! things sure have changed! i had no idea they had simplified things so much or else i would have come back sooner. you see, i was a spoiled blogger, i was hosted by someone else who had set up my everything. all i had to do was sign in and write. well when that fateful day came along and there's was nowhere left to sign in at, i guess i just lost my enthuasiam. i was real disturbed by it for a while, then another friend bought me a domain, (i still have it) but i could never figure the damn thing out. so i kinda gave up. plus i wasnt working at the job with internet access anymore, and little by little it got easier to be away.

BUT, now that i am back, i understand why i felt what i felt when i saw my friends site. and then as i went thru my blogrolling links i was amazed and happy to see that alot of people were still there !!!!! very very cool. HELLO TO YOU TOO !!!! i've missed everyone and missed writing, and alot has changed in my life and it's gonna be great catching up.

2006-04-17T13:42:00.000-07:00

Back in black

I hit the sack

I've been too long, I'm glad to be back

Yes I'm let loose from the noose

That's kept me hangin' about

I been livin like a star 'cause it's gettin' me high

Forget the hearse, 'cause I never die

I got nine lives, cat'S EYES

abusing every one of them and running wild