i guess it's no big news that its hotter than fuck. we have no AC at our house. we did buy a portable AC that barely takes the edge off but these days i'd rather be at work.

to top off our misery the refrigerator broke. yucky yuck. i love refrigerators when i don't have to deal with them except opening the door to take something out. i hate cleaning them, i really hate the smell when it's not working right. there's just a grossness that comes along with them that is like no other.

so...we go buy a used one from the local "trading post" . IT'S not working right either! freezer is barely working and the bottom part is not getting cold. this is a complete nightmare. this is no ordinary trading post though. i guess a "technician" will be out today between 3 and 6 to hopefully (fingers crossed) FIX it.

seven years clean today. not always sure about the serene part, but always striving for it.

I come to you, so silent in the night
So stealthy, so animal quiet
Ill be your savior, steadfast and true
Ill come to your emotional rescue
Ill come to your emotional rescue

~stones~

let me tell you a little about the members of the opposite sex in my life that get me all twisted emotionally.

J.A. - i met him on august 13 2004. he was in treatment. i was at a meeting. i saw him from behind and *knew* i had to have him. i got him. he was in a place that didnt allow phone calls or talking to the opposite sex in the first few months. so we wrote. i heard some stuff about him that didnt sit well with me (like a wife and 4 kids) so i shut that down. kept tabs on him and when he got out he didnt go home to the "wife and 4 kids" he went to his friend's house M.S. and had a job, ect. ect. so i decided to try to get back in touch with him. found him. by the time i found him he was in jail on a violation. i visited regularly and we made all the plans that "soul mates" make. he got out and we had a few months together. it was pretty sucky beings that he lived like 45 miles away which might as well be a million in LA with traffic and all. then i started having to talk to his voice mail more than him. then i found out after ugly anxiety - suspicions and all that that the "wife" was sick and he had to take care of her and blah blah blah. fuck you motherfucker. "homegirl" MY ASS. turns out she's not his wife, but whatever. so with my heart stomped on and torn to bits i continued on with my friendship with M.S.

current reason my emotions are twisted: J.A. went back to jail last summer. got in touch with me. "wife" is in another state - stuck there because they had gone on the run and she can't find her way back home. anyway - so he got in touch with me from jail and we write and all that and i love him and he loves me. HA! jailhouse drag. he's talking about future plans. DONT GET ME WRONG. i am NOT participating in the future plan crap but in all honesty my heart still jumps a little when i look in the mailbox and there's a letter from him.

M.S. - when J.A. moved the "wife" on in to M.S.'s tiny apartment, me and M.S. decided that he would come and live with me. so there were nights he stayed with me at the apt. he never actually moved in but he paid all the bills. anyway, so we ended up taking our friendship to another level. anyway, so we made all these plans as well. we were gonna get a house blah blah blah. this is all very uncomfortable at times because he is still half living at his apartment and J.A. is his "best friend" then once again i started having to talk to voicemail again. turns out he has met some broad and the final outcome is that they live together in the apartment.

current reason my emotions are twisted: i still talk to him and every once in a while we get together as in together. i try to convince myself that im really okay with all that, but i know deep down i have more feelings involved than he does. but we are really good friends as well, and i know if i needed him he would be there, and vice versa.

now lets get to the sick part: J.A. and M.S. are no longer friends. they had a serious falling out. J.A. knows i still talk with M.S. but does not know we get together sometimes. M.S. has no idea that i am in touch with J.A. and i dont' tell him because i think he would be upset and not talk to me anymore. yeah.

talk about your tangled webs.

to be continued................

Welcome to my life, tattoo

We've a long time together, me and you

I expect I'll regret you

But the skin graft man won't get you

You'll be there when I die

Tattoo

~the who~

She gives me her cheek

when I want her lips

but I don't have the strength to go

On the lost side of town

in a dark apartment

we gave up trying so long ago

On the stairs I smoke acigarette alone

Mexican kids are shootin'fireworks below

Hey baby, it's the Fourth of July

Hey baby, it's the Fourth of July

What ever happened Iapologize

so dry your tears and babywalk outside, it's the Fourth of July

~X~

yeah, fourth of july. no plans here. too damn hot man. it's been pure hell around these parts. we have no AC in our house. we bought portable swamp coolers which make it half way bearable, better than before but not COOL.

ended up in a bar the other day just to escape the heat. they were kind enough to make me a pot of strong ass coffee and my roommate and i played about 6 games of pool. he was kind enough to not let me win. actually i won twice, he scratched on the break and scratched on trying to sink the eight ball. but it wasnt too bad, i never had more than two balls on the table at the end.

had an interesting week. went to court one day to observe the sentencing of my friend. i arrived and sat there for 3 1/2 hours watching people either get sentenced to prop 36 or to prison. they did not call him in the morning session and the traffic home would not allow me to stay for the afternoon because i had to be to work at 4. i wish i could of been there. but he will know i tried. i went and saw him the week before and we discussed that the victims family would be there and they were going to say something to him and he was going to respond. he said "sorry sounds so fucking lame" i'm not sure if they were there. i tried to figure out if anyone sitting in court might have been them, but i really doubt it. they all seemed to be there for other reasons. i hope to find out how it went. second degree murder committed while under the influence of meth

last nite, my roommate and i and another friend drove over a hundred miles last nite so that they could help out another friend. apparently he was flipping out and causing all kinds of chaos at his house involving knives and setting shit on fire in the front yard. this behavior fueled by meth.

it all went well without incident and they brought him back to our friends house who lives nearby. (i didnt go with them, i stayed and watched tv) and he was supposed to go to detox this morning. we called around 9 and he was still at our other friends and didnt go for some reason. everyone was still asleep and we didnt get the reason why.

the detox he was going to is the one i last went to. damn near 7 years ago. 7 years ago on the fourth of july i was planning a burglery of a shoe store with my then boyfriend and our road dog.

on the 6th of july i checked myself into that detox. within 24 hours i was in the worst kick of my life, cold turkey. on the 13 of july i rode a greyhound bus back to los angeles and got some pills. i hadnt slept since the 5th. my clean date ended up being the 14th but i last stuck a needle in my arm the morning of the 6th. we never did go thru with that robbery.

i also got a letter this week from a client of mine who ended up going back to prison. he is paroling soon and would like some direction on maybe going into a program when he gets out. that was cool. he also thanked me for inspiration and showing him that he can recover. i will write back to him and hope that whatever information i can give him will help. reason he went back to prison: meth

it's been an interesting week, that's for sure. along with the normal chaos that is just my life.