well, no word from him. i was able to obtain a photo taken two days after release. he's not looking so hot. i'd venture to say that he has paroled strung out. which can be a good thing with drug testing being a parole condition. BUT, my experiences through work also tell me that a dirty test does not always mean a violation. anyways...........no news is good news i suppose.

i have to dig out the restraining order and take it to my local police department from what i hear. that ought to be fun. i will be wearing long sleeves on that adventure.

otherwise life is okay. it's funny how this whole situation creeps to the mind with everything i do. anytime i go to the store, im thinking "am i going to run into him?" when i take smoke breaks at work i'm scoping out the parking lot and the corners at the intersection. i'm looking to see if there's people sitting in cars across the street. i refuse to answer a number i don't recognize on my cell phone (a message left on my phone is a violation according to parole) and the front desk is instructed to send any callers that they don't recognize straight to voice mail.

speaking of work, looks as if the "rebel" can move up too. in talking to main boss about her hiring a management position, i got the "have you ever thought about management?" question. which was ended with "because i was told that you wouldnt be interested" HMMMMMM.

i told her i would always be interested in bettering myself , but i figured since i was so "rebellious" that i wouldnt be considered. YES I DID!!!!!!

she says she likes the rebel, and doesnt want "clones" hello! young lady with only 6 months on the job: YOU ARE A CLONE BITCH> haha.

anyways, so the ending to this tale is that i am now training to be the "lead counselor" a small promotion where i still get to see clients, but will have other duties as well. nice. moving up without snitching, kissing ass or making the clients hate me. THAT'S RIGHT.

so thanks for asking, im okay. still a little on edge, not letting my guard down, but trying not to make myself a prisoner.

well the motherfuckin parole officer called me back.

jist of conversation:

if you are so worried about this, why didnt you move away? you knew he would be paroled to this area.

so i've done it again. let all kinds of time pass.

i've had alot on my mind and it's been a little rough. i wondered to myself about writing about this and decided that maybe it would be healing in a way. next tuesday my ex-husband gets out of prison.

he's been gone for 6 years. he is there for domestic violence.

it's been a wonderful 6 years of growing, and learning and being my own person. actually finding out just who i am because for a long time i didnt know anymore. the drugs i did were only a temporary reprieve from the nightmare i was living. i never knew what was gonna happen next. i never knew where we were going to live next. i had very little control over anything and when i did if it wasnt right it was my fault usually when it was just circumstances beyond anyone's control.

i had tried several times to leave - i went to family, battered women's shelters, friends ect. he always found us and convinced me somehow (either by force or charm) that i couldnt make it on my own. well guess what???? not only have i made it on my own but i have a better life than i've ever had.

i remember sharing in a meeting once that i felt like everything i have worked so hard for will be taken from me when he gets out. i divorced him a few years ago. it took a while because of the cost. i got hate mail back for that one.

this is my children's father. my daughter (nearly 17) says that she doesnt want to see him. maybe that's what she says now. maybe she means it. she would have been called as a witness by the DA if i had allowed it. in return for her not having to get on the stand at 10 years old i agreed to a deal. he was originally looking at 49 years. the deal was for 6. he maxed it out which had he been on better behavior would have had him released nearly a year ago. so much for rehabilitation. i told her to just let me know if she wants to see or talk to him and not try to do it behind my back because she thinks i won't allow it or be angry with her. im not afraid of him hurting her physically, i'm afraid of him making her hate me. he's very manipulative and that was always one of his weapons besides physical force. the children.

my son was 7 at the time. he doesnt have the same memories my daughter and i have of him. but he also doesnt give a shit about people he doesnt know. that's the attitude he's taking now "i don't care" so at this point i really don't know where he stands. it's almost like that fucken elephant in the living room. i just want to SCREAM. i want to lock up the house like a fortress (he doesnt know the address but it will only be a matter of time.) i want to sleep with a gun. i want him to live far far away. i dont want to go through this.

i have been talking to a parole officer who is very nice. we thought that he would be his parole officer. turns out he wont be and now the one it is going to be is at a whole other location and not answering any of my calls. i have alot of concerns and will keep trying. i've tried to call the supervisor as well. i will keep trying.

anyway, that's what is running through my head 24/7 . finding it hard to think of anything else. i've lived looking over my shoulder before and im not looking forward to it again.

i find that every plan i want to make and everything i do i am thinking of what HE could do. my roommate and i were planning a trip to reno at the end of the month. im not even sure whether to go and leave the house alone. we're talking about having someone stay here at the house with the kids. its only a overnite trip and normally they would be fine alone. but now everything is changing.

everything is changing.

i have had a bad bad case of writers block.

soooo for lack of anything but what's happening lately in my life, here goes.....

i'm really starting to not like where i work. this does mean i don't like my job. i love my job. it's the only thing that keeps me going to work. i hate the office politics and i hate all the fucken focus on "agency policy" policy shmolicy. shit. Then they go and ask the "been there 6 months" employee if she thought she would ever have an interest in management. they created a monster because now it appears that her goal in life is to prove just how much she is management material.

back off bitch.

get up off me and how i deal with my clients. my shit is straight but i don't do it in such a way that the clients hate me. this has brought me the reputation that i am "rebellious" (imagine that) and it is reflected in my clients.

why? because they don't pee their pants whenever the management has to have anything to do with them? because they as questions about new rules (or rules that exist but never got enforced)? i don't know. talked to some other counselors that have worked at different places and they said that it pretty much happened to them too. manangement does not like it if the clients actually like you. WTF? crazy.

the refrigerator fiasco was all a false alarm. tech comes out to house to check out my IT'S NOT WORKING refrigerator.

kids call me and he tells me that it's fine. the temp is what it should be. BUT BUT. no, miss it's working fine. OK. so do i owe you anthing for coming out? no not for today but if you call me out again for a refrigerator that's working fine, im gonna charge you. yes sir, sorry sir. haha

went to a funeral in vegas this weekend. straight turn around. left at 6 am. back by 7 pm. death just brings out the ugly in people. this young man (26 years old, car accident) had his stuff all arranged. insurance policy in place to pay for the funeral and buriel that he wanted. his mother decides that she wants him cremated because it's cheaper and she will have the money left over. so sad. caused alot of anger and whatnot within the family. the father (who is my friend) refused to sign the paperwork because i guess you have to have 2 signatures for cremation. dude got buried in the casket like he wanted.

otherwise things are alrite. life is good today.

i guess it's no big news that its hotter than fuck. we have no AC at our house. we did buy a portable AC that barely takes the edge off but these days i'd rather be at work.

to top off our misery the refrigerator broke. yucky yuck. i love refrigerators when i don't have to deal with them except opening the door to take something out. i hate cleaning them, i really hate the smell when it's not working right. there's just a grossness that comes along with them that is like no other.

so...we go buy a used one from the local "trading post" . IT'S not working right either! freezer is barely working and the bottom part is not getting cold. this is a complete nightmare. this is no ordinary trading post though. i guess a "technician" will be out today between 3 and 6 to hopefully (fingers crossed) FIX it.

seven years clean today. not always sure about the serene part, but always striving for it.